Still Leaving

I feel like I have been leaving forever. And I have. I said my first major goodbyes until after PC when I left Santa Fe last August. AUGUST. Then Corrie in November. A few more at Christmas time. A couple scattered here and there in early 2012. A bigger one to all the Chicago people in March. Now, they are a regular, daily occurrence. It's not a bad thing. I mean, no offense to all of you wonderful people, but I am not emotionally distraught or upset about any of them. The first were too far away, the current ones don't feel real. Because leaving is still too far away. I'm still terrified that any day I am going to get a phone call from the DC office and they are going to cancel my assignment. Again. It's illogical, I know. But that's how it is.

I am just tired of leaving, of being in this waiting, transitional phase. I feel like I should be busier, more stressed about leaving. I have a lot of things to do...but not really. Pack up what I didn't put in storage last fall. (not a lot left) Pack my bag for Panama. (could be hard to defy physics) Party with friends a few more times. (already planned and scheduled.) Sleep. (I can never do enough of that.)

So...ready, set, go? No. Not yet. 15 days. Which isn't a lot. It really isn't. But I am so incredibly antsy, and anxious, and over thinking it. In my down time at work (and I have a lot of down time) I spend far too much time in my head fixating over details, thinking about what it might be like. I'm afraid I'm just making false expectations for myself. I want no expectations, no standards to compare it to so that I cannot unjustly disappoint myself. I want to GO.

Deep breaths, baby steps, and the occasional nap when I can squeeze one in. I have lots of things planned for myself over the next 2 weeks so I'm hoping to have as much fun as possible and truly just enjoy myself. Panama will get here soon enough and I will miss this time.

Also, only 5 more days left at the Home Depot. Hallelujah.


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