Topsy Turvy

"When life happens, sometimes it makes executive decisions for you and you are left to handle the aftermath. It seems like the hardest thing in the world. Then life comes along and offers you a choice, and you come to the terrifying realization that your fate is in your own hands. THAT is the toughest challenge of them all."
-Myself, at 8:21PM Wednesday

Today, I made the hardest decision thus far in my 23 years of life. While I realize that it will not be the last, and there will surely be something someday to trump this moment, knowing that this decision was in fact 100% mine feels pretty good.

Last Wednesday at 3PM my Placement Officer (who is AMAZING, I might add) offered me two choices:

To do Water/Sanitation in Panama, Leaving May 1st OR
To do Water/Sanitation in Mali, Leaving May 31st

Now first, I need to acknowledge how incredibly fortunate and grateful I am to have had not just one but TWO amazing offers so quickly. And that the Peace Corps decided to let me choose. That was a wonderful surprise I never saw coming.

But I was torn. I cannot tell you how crazy I felt mentally and emotionally for the 36 hours I wrestled with this decision. My placement officer offered to give me 24 hours to make my decision, and I successfully talked myself in circles every minute of them.

Panama is my favorite Central American country. Has been since I learned the map of Central/South American countries in 4th grade. It is the one country that is connected to Central & South America, and it has access to both oceans. Add to that the 2nd largest jungle in the western hemisphere, a climate in the 60-80s almost all year round (although INCREDIBLY humid), and the fact that people take canoes to work and live in huts on stilts. Plus there are mountains. It leaves sooner, before some of my medical records expire, but does so in the middle of dead/finals week when many of my friends will be super busy. They speak Spanish, something I have 6 years of study in. They also speak some 12 other tribal languages. On the other hand, they are right there in the mix with the drug wars going on and even share a border with Colombia. That makes me nervous, after everything that happened with Honduras.

Mali is in West Africa. My #1 choice region on my original Peace Corps application. I have dreamed over and over and over again about working in Africa. The specific job description for Mali is closer to things I have experience in. There are elephants, which is totally awesome. They speak French, a language I want to learn. They also speak some 6ish tribal languages. The Sahara Desert is along the top 1/3 of the country, and the bottom 1/3 is subtropical. It is HOT. Easily 110-115 degrees in the 'hot season' but it is DRY. It is also very dusty. Half of the population is made up of children. They are an Islamic country, something that I would love to learn more about but that adds yet another layer of adjustment to my culture shock. I can't say it enough- Africa was my dream. Leaving May 31st, that gave me time for a possible camping trip with my family, another thousand -ish dollars from Home Depot, and a chance to see everyone after school was out for the summer.

In order to try to navigate my thoughts, I started making a Panama/Mali timeline, beginning Wednesday at 3PM with the initial phone call and ending Friday at 10:30AM with my confirmation.


3PM- Presented with option
5PM-Mali
8PM-Panama
1AM-Mali
1:30AM- No freaking clue (when I went to sleep)
5:00AM- No freaking clue (when I woke up)
6:15AM- Panama
6:50AM- Mali
7:50AM- Mali
9:15AM- Panama
11:00AM- I have questions to ask my Placement Officer before I decide, but probs Mali
1:48PM- Mali. Definitely.
2:12PM- I don't know, and I don't have enough time!
3:30PM- Call my PO, decide on Mali, but will confirm that the next morning.
6:50AM- I hypothesize about going to Panama instead, and instantly feel relieved.
8:36AM- I go over all the people I told about Mali and all the reasons I want to go to Africa...and suddenly they just don't seem to cut it.
10:30AM- I confirm with my PO that I want to definitely go to Panama, my invitation materials get put into the mail immediately. This is it. There is no changing my mind now.
4:30PM- Facebook official.

And I am 96% sure that I made the right choice. Both times. When talking with family and friends on Wednesday, I got a lot of pressure to go to Panama. And I didn't like it. I knew I couldn't pick something because other people wanted me to. I mean, to be fair, I was asking them for their advice and opinions, but I think in the end, that was not a good choice for me. So I picked Mali because it was my dream. I picked Mali because I wanted to know if I had the balls to pick it. I picked Mali because I knew that if I picked it I was doing it of my own accord, not someone else's influence.

And then I felt like crap. I expected to be excited, to calm down, to gain some confidence by making a decision, even if it wasn't a final one. Instead I was tense, stressed, and panicky. Some element of nerves and fear is expected- I am moving to another country! But this was a hott mess. My friends and family reassured me that if it was what my instincts told me, then I was doing the right thing and they would support me wholeheartedly.

I realized this morning that I would have loved Mali, and I know that I would have been tough enough to do it. I would have loved Africa, and it is still my dream to get there someday. Maybe another round of PC or just a vacation. But last May I got a letter saying that I was going to go to Central/South America. Then in November that I was going to Honduras, and while none of them were my first choice, I put my whole heart into them. I'm already mentally partially in Central America right now. After all that I have already done, it is too hard to change that, particularly when I have the choice to follow my...evolved dream.

And by picking Panama today, when everyone I had included in this topsy turvy decision making process thought Mali was a done deal, I KNOW beyond any measure of a doubt that I made this choice. For myself. Is there still fear, concern, uncertainty, and hesitation in my mind that I picked wrong? A little bit, but I joined the Peace Corps. That's basically what these next 2.5 years will be!

For now, I have achieved peace with myself.

Comments

  1. Congratulations!!! Panama was one of the places that I had wanted to go since day one - it should be amazing! I'm interested to hear what your program is like. I am still water sanitation, but my program has some differences from what I had in Honduras, so it's exciting to learn more about! Good luck, and if I decide to take a trip to Panama during my Peace Corps service (which is a definite possibility), I'll be sure to let you know! It's unfortunate we never actually got to meet, but good luck on your adventure.

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