Conquering Fears

"Are you paralyzed with fear? That's a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it." -Steven Pressfield

As a PCV in Panama, facing your fears and going outside your comfort zone becomes so commonplace you tend to stop noticing when you do things that once were considered scary. Some of the fears and discomforts I have faced, and conquered, in Panama include:

-Going to a foreign country

-Living without modern conveniences

-Living with strangers

-Speaking in front of people in my second or third language

-Swimming in a river that I know has crocodiles

-Taking public transportation

-Traveling by myself

-Getting lost

-Eating things I cannot identify

-Bats in my house

-Rats in my house (CAT!)

-Cockroaches (it’s better to just ignore them and pretend they don’t exist)

-Most bugs

-Strange dogs

-Swimming in a place I know has sharks

-Living alone

-Getting sick

-Not being in control

-Admitting when I am wrong or don’t know

-Being culturally or socially different in lifestyle and beliefs

-Being disliked or judged

-Arguing with authority figures (this might not be a good thing)

-Speaking up for something I feel strongly about

-Being myself, especially when I’m weird and awkward

-Failing moderately

I am pretty proud of what I have accomplished in the facing fears department. I’ve come a long way. Most of those fears are things I hoped I would conquer going into Peace Corps. However, there is one creature I cannot put on that list. To this day, I am still irrationally terrified of spiders.

This is not uncommon of course, lots of people fear spiders. In fact, I think the amount of people in the US who fear spiders drastically outnumber the ones who don’t. Yet one would think that in the face of roaches, rats, bats, failure, crocodiles, sharks, tropical illness, and being lost in the jungle, that a spider would be the last of my concerns. A spider is comparatively such small potatoes.

In this context, upon glimpsing the tarantula in my sink, the sounds that came out of my body at octaves I didn’t know I could physically reach were absurd and ridiculous. I’ve seen spiders of that size and larger before in the jungle, hanging out on their web or leaf in their own territory, and it never bothered me. But to take it out of the jungle and put it into my kitchen sink on the night that I am the only one present of the 5 Volunteers that live in my town, that was terrifying. Heart pounding, voice shaking, on the verge of tears and jumping up and down terrified.

I called a few Volunteers and eventually they convinced me I could kill it. They were very patient and encouraging, even though I could tell that they were rolling their eyes and laughing at me at the same time. And not without reason- as I said, in the context of our life, it is absurd to still fear a tiny (FIVE INCHES IN DIAMETER) spider. I went outside and tried to find some kids, teens, neighbors- I even considered going to the local bar for a second- to kill it for me. My normally obnoxiously busy alley was silent. Meh.

I used my roommates steel toed boot to smash it with my right hand while my left hand was on standby with the can of RAID just in case I somehow missed it with the size 14 boot. I didn’t miss, but as I was putting the boot down to scoop the massive gooey tarantula carcass out of the sink my bare foot brushed something on the wall. A SECOND TARANTULA.

I can’t rationalize my reaction. I can’t even call it human. I can say that it was loud, high pitched, involved knocking lots of pots and pans off of the wall, some involuntary frantic body thrashing, some flailing of a steel toed boot and somehow transporting myself to the opposite end of the house. By the time I got back to the kitchen, the second demon was long gone. I sprayed down the general area with RAID and retreated to my porch to let the fumes dissipate.

Moral of the story? Some fears, like speaking Spanish in front of others, are fears I run at head on, machete flailing, exhilarated by the adrenaline. Other fears not so much. I have no moral problem admitting defeat to those 8-legged hairy monsters and asking another person to dispose of them for me. But sometimes life doesn't give you that option.

Facing your fears is awesome and rewarding. Unless there are spiders involved.